I had quite an enjoyable time this weekend. Well there was the fact that I had to work friday night, but that was quickly overshadowed by the pancake & waffle breakfast. Then there was the drive to Steinback, in which Nathan read from the little prince. But since I had just gotten off of a 10 hour shift I was slipping in and out of consciousness(?). Anyway, when we got to S-back, we just had to hit the 2nd hand store, where much was discovered including an amazing leather trench coat that Nathan found for $8. After that we hit the pawn shop where the group got cd's, except for me, since I was busy in the knife section. And for any one that knows me, this was pretty much a no-brainer. I ended up walking away with an 18'' Bowie knife, that looks like something out of Rambo movies. This isn't usually my style since I prefere a knife that looks less deadly, but since it was priced at 1/4 it's value, I just couldn't resist. After that we went to Steph's mom's house and saw two very adorable babies, and some baby pictures of Steph, and a few of Shawn. We then went to Steph's dad's place for a BBQ, after a quick stop at 7-11, for some much needed slurpies(I was well past being awake 24hrs by this point). After the BBQ, Nathan built a kickass bonfire, out of wet wood, and lot's of lighter fluid, and we roasted marshmellows, and played tackle monkey-in-the-middle with a football. This was then followed by Cam narrating a musical story of our day. I don't remember two much after that since I was approaching 30hrs of consciousness. But all in all it was a great day. -J I chose these funnies in honour of Joel, who is moving to K.C., at the end of June. Although Missouri is not really the South most of these should still be helpful. Enjoy.
65 - Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
60 - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50 - Miami residents turn on the heat
45 - Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
40 - You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming
35 - Italian cars don't start
32 - Water freezes
30 - You plan your vacation to Australia
25 - Ohio water freezes
Californians weep pitiably.
Minnesotans eat ice cream.
Canadians go swimming.
20 - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes.
Miami residents plan vacation further South.
15 - French cars don't start.
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
10 - You need jumper cables to get the car going.
5 - American cars don't start
0 - Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10 - German cars don't start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist
-20 - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start
-25 - Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 - You plan a two week hot bath
Swedish cars don't start
-40 - Californians disappear
Minnesotans button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 - Congressional hot air freezes
Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 - Hell freezes over
Polar bears move South
Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game
-90 - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
Instructions for moving to the South
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as 'Bubba'. You have a 75% chance of being right.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
Do not buy food at the movie store.
If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
Florida is not considered a Southern State. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
If you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
Only in America
Nothing is funnier than the truth...
1. Only in America ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America ... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America ... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put all our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we don't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'poli' in latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
1. On Sears hair dryer. 'Do not use while sleeping'. [Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.]
2. On a bag of Fritos: 'You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details Inside'. [Evidently this is a shoplifter special.]
3. On a bar of Dial soap: 'Directions: Use like regular soap'. [And that would be how...?]
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: 'Serving suggestions: Defrost'. [But it's just a suggestion.]
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of the box): 'Do not turn upside down'. [Oops, too late.]
6. On a Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: 'Product will be hot after heating'. [As sure as night follows the day.]
7. On the packaging for a Rowenta iron: 'Do not iron clothes on body'. [But wouldn't this save even more time?]
8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: 'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication'. [We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those five-year-olds with head colds off those fork lifts.]
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: 'Warning: May cause drowsiness'. [One would hope so.]
10. On most brands of Christmas lights: 'For indoor or outdoor use only'. [As opposed to what?]
11. On a Japenese food processor: 'Not to be used for other use'. [I gotta admit, I'm curious.]
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts, 'Warning: Contains nuts'. [NEWS FLASH]
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: 'Instructions, open packet, eat nuts'. [Step 3: Fly United.]
14. On a child's Superman costume: 'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly'.
Notice to Northerners moving South
The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight and advice to Northerners moving South.
1. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
2. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
3. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
4. Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.
5. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
6. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you, either.
7. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
8. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.
9. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.
10. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house, and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.
11. Be advised that in the South, 'He needed killin!', is a valid defense.
How Rednecks play horseshoes