Monday, December 19, 2005

A long time comin'

Really haven't felt like posting for awhile since I haven't been using the computer much at all.
So here's what's been happening since my last post. . .(he takes a long breath)
-got kicked out of my place and had to move back into my parents house, because my roommate decided to sell the house. No hard feeling toward him so we're cool.
-turned 21 on the Dec. 7th woohoo. Not to sure how I feel about this yet but there's nothing I can do about it but accept it, and if I decide I hate it then I can sit in my room with hands over my ears until I turn 22.
-actually not much else has happened lately. I'll have to keep everyone posted(and yes more than once a month)

I didn't write these.

Exercise and dieting
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So, a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO!!! Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and, remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body but, rather, to skid in sideways - Pepsi in one hand, hamburger in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO! What a Ride!'"

Thoughts to ponder

Life is sexually transmitted.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

I had amnesia once - or twice.

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?


Blogger Nate said...

hehe brilliant J! Always good for a laugh around here.

ps. training at Pan Am is sweet, other than the no weapons deal

12:39 AM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

man, i'm so not updated in your life! I hope you're enjoying living at the 'rents and being...da da da...21! That's me in about 2 months! (less than)

see you tonight!

1:17 PM  
Blogger Matt said...

funny stuff Uttley, funny stuff.

I especially like that "steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system."


11:15 PM  

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