My Heart Feels Hard.
Why does my heart feel so hard?
Because it is.
Over the last few years I have discovered that I am living a life that does not know love. You see on the surface I have a great life. My parents were missionaries, I grew up in the church, my folks aren't divorced, I was never abused, or any of that. But still my life sucked. You see although my parents love me, they did not know how to show me, or my sisters love. But I hold know anger toward them because they themselves were rarely show love. See my grandparents on my dad's side were missionaries as well. They were stationed in Haiti for all but two years of my dad's childhood. So my father grew up in Haiti, and as was the custom, when he was about eight years old, he was sent to live with another family to attend the mission school, miles away from his parents and two bothers and two sisters. While he was there, he abused by some of the other children, and his billet family turn a blind eye, and he was forced to suffer in silence, for five years. Then he was sent off to North Carolina to live in a boarding school, only seeing his parents a few weeks out of the year. From there he went off to college, and then he too became a missionary to the Haitian people. In my mothers case it was more of neglect. Her bother, my uncle was Schizophrenic
and so that took up all of my grandparents time and energy, and love.
Now I'm not telling you this as an excuse, just as some backround so you can have an idea where I am basing my opinions from.
So brings us back to my childhood. I am the youngest of three and the only boy, so you can just imagine all the resentment I have stored up from that expieriance. My parents were raised in another time, and held boys to a different standard than girls. Where is my sisters case then practised leaniance and tollerance, I pretty much got the shaft. I wont go into anything because I don't to start resenting my parents or sisters by have memories resurface in a rant.
And what about church? Well I went to church every Sunday like all good little boys are supposed to, but had know foundation to build a relationship with God at that young age. My parents told me I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was three, but I only barely remember it. But after that NOTHING. My parents didn't show me how to pray, read my Bible, or have a relationship with God, or anyone else for that matter. And my Sunday school teachers were how shall we say very unenthusiastic(?) about the lessons they were teaching, so learning anything was impossible, and at that point I just wasn't interested, ya know? Any way that was pretty much my life up until grade 5, of course that's skipping all the stress of living in five cities and three countries before I reached the age of ten.
Anyway, I had just moved from Miami, FL back to Winnipeg, MB, and as my luck would have it, I started school, late in the year, the morning after the States had beaten Canada in the World Hockey Championships of '95. Now I had just driven up from Miami to Winnipeg, so I had no idea what they were talking about, since Hockey isn't particularly big in the Sunshine State. But being the youngest, I believed that any attention was attention, none the less, so I started pissing people off. And thus began a downward spiral that would last all through elementry, junior high, and high school. Because every year, teachers give the same assignment, to do a project about your life. And of course I would always put that I was American. And why wouldn't I, I am proud of my family and their roots. But like a pack of wolves, my classmates and even the kids I considered my friends would ridicule me daily on that subject. And it never stopped. Anything happening in the States was used as weopon against me. And because I am not a violent person, I just took it. And it got to the point where I had to shut myself off emotionally, and as a result, whatever God was trying to tell me went unheard. I just existed, not commiting to anything or expressing myself in any way. Now I found things that became a port in the storm, like dance class, the Honourguard later on, and youth groups. But when any of these started to break through the walls I had built to protect myself from feeling, I would give in to fear and abandon them for another distraction.
This left me with few options, so I settled into either reading or watching T.V(mostly the latter).
And with a quick fix like T.V., who would want to work towards a relationship with some one you have never met or encountered in anyway. And so it just got easier and easier to just veg out and coast through school, church and life.
And when I finally graduated and didn't need the walls I had built up I realized that I don't have the tools to take them down, and I never did.
So that leaves me to where I am today. Living a half-life of sorts, and craving more. But craving and achieving are completly different things. Though I am trying to open a dialogue between myself and God through worship, prayer, and reading the Bible, I feel so frustrated at feeling nothing. I feel like and old man whom is trying to learn how to read and write, tie his shoes, swim, ride a bike, and drive a car all at the same time. And it is so hard.
For all my life when I have come up against real difficulty, I found it easier just to give up. But this is something that if I give up, the consequences are more important than anything I could ever have on this Earth. The consequence would be the loss of my eternal soul.
So God, I am praying that you please soften my heart so that I can truely know you. Amen
So yeah, that's my story. Comments are always appriciated, as well as prayers and encouragement, but if you have something personal to tell me you can email me @: hounorguardian@hotmail.com, please keep in mind that I will only open Email from people I know, so put your names, and don't be offended if I don't respond.
-Jason
Because it is.
Over the last few years I have discovered that I am living a life that does not know love. You see on the surface I have a great life. My parents were missionaries, I grew up in the church, my folks aren't divorced, I was never abused, or any of that. But still my life sucked. You see although my parents love me, they did not know how to show me, or my sisters love. But I hold know anger toward them because they themselves were rarely show love. See my grandparents on my dad's side were missionaries as well. They were stationed in Haiti for all but two years of my dad's childhood. So my father grew up in Haiti, and as was the custom, when he was about eight years old, he was sent to live with another family to attend the mission school, miles away from his parents and two bothers and two sisters. While he was there, he abused by some of the other children, and his billet family turn a blind eye, and he was forced to suffer in silence, for five years. Then he was sent off to North Carolina to live in a boarding school, only seeing his parents a few weeks out of the year. From there he went off to college, and then he too became a missionary to the Haitian people. In my mothers case it was more of neglect. Her bother, my uncle was Schizophrenic
and so that took up all of my grandparents time and energy, and love.
Now I'm not telling you this as an excuse, just as some backround so you can have an idea where I am basing my opinions from.
So brings us back to my childhood. I am the youngest of three and the only boy, so you can just imagine all the resentment I have stored up from that expieriance. My parents were raised in another time, and held boys to a different standard than girls. Where is my sisters case then practised leaniance and tollerance, I pretty much got the shaft. I wont go into anything because I don't to start resenting my parents or sisters by have memories resurface in a rant.
And what about church? Well I went to church every Sunday like all good little boys are supposed to, but had know foundation to build a relationship with God at that young age. My parents told me I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was three, but I only barely remember it. But after that NOTHING. My parents didn't show me how to pray, read my Bible, or have a relationship with God, or anyone else for that matter. And my Sunday school teachers were how shall we say very unenthusiastic(?) about the lessons they were teaching, so learning anything was impossible, and at that point I just wasn't interested, ya know? Any way that was pretty much my life up until grade 5, of course that's skipping all the stress of living in five cities and three countries before I reached the age of ten.
Anyway, I had just moved from Miami, FL back to Winnipeg, MB, and as my luck would have it, I started school, late in the year, the morning after the States had beaten Canada in the World Hockey Championships of '95. Now I had just driven up from Miami to Winnipeg, so I had no idea what they were talking about, since Hockey isn't particularly big in the Sunshine State. But being the youngest, I believed that any attention was attention, none the less, so I started pissing people off. And thus began a downward spiral that would last all through elementry, junior high, and high school. Because every year, teachers give the same assignment, to do a project about your life. And of course I would always put that I was American. And why wouldn't I, I am proud of my family and their roots. But like a pack of wolves, my classmates and even the kids I considered my friends would ridicule me daily on that subject. And it never stopped. Anything happening in the States was used as weopon against me. And because I am not a violent person, I just took it. And it got to the point where I had to shut myself off emotionally, and as a result, whatever God was trying to tell me went unheard. I just existed, not commiting to anything or expressing myself in any way. Now I found things that became a port in the storm, like dance class, the Honourguard later on, and youth groups. But when any of these started to break through the walls I had built to protect myself from feeling, I would give in to fear and abandon them for another distraction.
This left me with few options, so I settled into either reading or watching T.V(mostly the latter).
And with a quick fix like T.V., who would want to work towards a relationship with some one you have never met or encountered in anyway. And so it just got easier and easier to just veg out and coast through school, church and life.
And when I finally graduated and didn't need the walls I had built up I realized that I don't have the tools to take them down, and I never did.
So that leaves me to where I am today. Living a half-life of sorts, and craving more. But craving and achieving are completly different things. Though I am trying to open a dialogue between myself and God through worship, prayer, and reading the Bible, I feel so frustrated at feeling nothing. I feel like and old man whom is trying to learn how to read and write, tie his shoes, swim, ride a bike, and drive a car all at the same time. And it is so hard.
For all my life when I have come up against real difficulty, I found it easier just to give up. But this is something that if I give up, the consequences are more important than anything I could ever have on this Earth. The consequence would be the loss of my eternal soul.
So God, I am praying that you please soften my heart so that I can truely know you. Amen
So yeah, that's my story. Comments are always appriciated, as well as prayers and encouragement, but if you have something personal to tell me you can email me @: hounorguardian@hotmail.com, please keep in mind that I will only open Email from people I know, so put your names, and don't be offended if I don't respond.
-Jason
posted by honourguardian at 10:53 PM
4 Comments:
"didn't need the walls I had built up I realized that I don't have the tools to take them down, and I never did."
That's an amazing statement J. Isn't the gift of sight given throughout the NT by Jesus? It seems everyone had trouble seeing! (Not just the blind). In you I see someone with eyes to see, and that's awesome.
"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners" Is 61:1
That sums it up. We're captives, brokenhearted, longing for release into the light.
Another thing is that you want to be released! That's amazing! Do you know how many people I can think of who have no desire for that?
Lord, honour this man's request and break open the dams; let the river flow.
Jason your honesty is so encouraging! Man, Lord would you, we ask you, to soften Jason's heart. Lord, he sees the need, he longs to be soft towards you, so together we ask that you would begin to heal and mend his heart and pour out Your love into his life. Amen. You're awesome! It's been great getting to know a little more about you at housegroup. Continue searching it all out!
Thanks for the amazing comments and support. I desperatly need it.
Thanks for sharing so personally about your life Jason. You are on the righr track. When you seek him, he will be found. He will not let your heart go untouched or unchanged. Bless you.
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